The World Ends Tomorrow!

Does that mean I won't have to do that blasted petifore order for tomorrow?!

The company I work for does petifores but I've never done them before and today I seemed to have lost the job aid (AKA instructions) on how to do them. I had read them before and knew the gist of it...or at least I thought I did. Cut the cake into even pieces, melt white icing, cover cake with icing, allow time to set, and decorate!

There!

Easy!

Right?

WRONG!

Let us suffice it to say that I failed spectacularly and with all the nimble grace of a Chimpanzee with Parkinson's. The cake was too soft, the icing too thin, it didn't coat evenly, it looked like someone had spilled baby lotion on a cupcake...I could go on.

Of course in retrospect I suppose it didn't help that my brain was fried from the amount of last minute orders we had. Including a last minute wedding cake.

Yeah.

You read that right. A last minute wedding cake.

Oh yeah, because last minute weddings always have a happily ever after...

Ignoring the fact that our particular location requires a week notice to get the appropriate sized cakes in store, they needed a cake. So we dollied up a sheet cake to look like a wedding cake. And of course they would choose one of the most DETAILED designs to put on it.  Basically, pipping like that really requires a low table and a stool. I have neither at work so I just sat on my knees for a good fifteen minutes pipping swag and small blue flowers all over a half sheet cake. It's the cake equivalent of shoving DD's into AA cup sized cups. There's going to be some...overflow.


But on the note of it being the end of the world tomorrow:

We're supposed to get a new hire tomorrow, another cake decorator. She had a cake business for 20 years. And on her first day the world's gonna end? I finally get some compentant help and the world goes on and ends?

God, that makes the ending to the Sopranos look well thought out. I hope there's a decent soundtrack at least...



 

The fear...they can smell it...

...and it smells like cake.

After the last few weeks - with the tornadoes, boss having to take time off for a death in the family as well as her much deserved vacation - I was due for a few days off myself. And boy did I enjoy the hell out of them. Two days straight! WOOT! Those of you in school, listen to me: treasure your weekends. Because when you leave school, your weekends belong to the Man. And he's a greedy sunnav-a-betch.

 The Boss wants an apple turnover...NAO!

Anyway. I come back from my two days of rest to essentially an empty department. Why? Because the order wasn't sent right and we only got a 1/8 of what we needed.

And as we try to fill the department with the meager products we DO have and CAN turn out, I am virtually flooded with calls and walk-in's, all of them wanting cake...NAO! Only three our of the ten or so people who needed cake were pre-ordering. Everyone else wanted the cake that day. They came in like a herd of rampaging horses!

 i needz caek NAO!

This is my biggest peeve. If you need a cake, you need to pre-order. It's common curtesy! I don't have time to suddenly do that many cakes on top of EVERYTHING else I have to do. And did I mention they don't allow overtime at me work? You have overtime? You have to leave early. Which means you have the same amount of work - if not more - to do but with less time.

Joy.

So apparently Lady Luck doesn't despise me because they all wanted chocolate cake with buttercream icing...which is essentially all we have until Friday.

In any case, if you read this and ever find yourself in the position of ordering a cake...PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS CUTE AND FLUFFY!!! ORDER YOUR CAKE IN ADVANCE!!!!!!

And to make sure my demands are met, I am having my Mexican Gang of Ducklings hold this kitten hostage. Any slip ups and you're gonna get a bald kitty.

Like this:

oh gawd wai?

You have been warned.

The Bread Whisperer

The Bakery Manager is currently on vacation, leaving just two of us bakery associates to fend for ourselves. And after the past few weeks being how they've been** and then having to run the bakery with only two people, I can say I am worn out. But as luck would have it, the Bakery Gods smiled on us! The last two days, bread technicians (what a silly title) from our dough supplier have been by to help us bake bread.

Tuesday was the first day they showed up but I was off that day (my first day off in nearly two weeks because of the violent storms) so my coworker was lucky enough to have someone help her on a day that would have otherwise left her to defend the Bakery all by herself. Today was my turn to work with the bread master. He showed up early because he had to leave at twelve for another store, but he had most of the bread started and a few loaves finished.

I saw the bread he had made and - knowing what bread we produce - I couldn't believe they were the same product. They were...beautiful! He explained that between the humidity of our proofers being WAY off - AKA nonexistent - and the steamer feature in our oven being worn out -AKA old as shit - our bread was too dry and wasn't browning properly, leading us to over proofing and over baking our breads. He showed us a few tricks involving squirt bottles and throwing a jug of water onto hot metal plates to get the desired effect - golden brown, delicious bread. I was geeking over the hoagie rolls.

I seriously contemplating hugging the guy, he's a genius and whatever they're paying him isn't enough.

No bakers were molested in the making of this comic...

**Footnote: On Wed April 27th, a violent storm cell ripped through Alabama and a record breaking 305 tornadoes formed in  24 hour period - one of them being confirmed to be an F-5 which tore through downtown Tuscaloosa - and left hundreds dead, thousands injured, and hundred missing.

Most of the counties around me are in shambles and there are towns that no longer exist. We were without power for almost three days. I came in Friday after the storm to help the store in any way I could and spent the next 12 days trying to get the Bakery back up and running and trying to keep food, charcoal, water, and ice for those without power. 

They have a Kit for that...

As mentioned in my previous entry, the staple of a Bakery's arsenal is the cake kit. Pre-designed cake sets that come with decoration instructions - down to the # of the appropriate tips to use - and toys! Little Jimmy's 11th birthday party wouldn't be complete without a mandetory cake topped with his favorite Power Ranger!

Do kids even like Power Rangers anymore? How does anyone under age the age of 20 remember Tommy, the Green ranger? Or that the Yellow Ranger was originally supposed to be a guy? I guess early '90s TV executives didn't consider yellow a gender neutral color. Besides, Beetleborgs was WAY cooler than PR. Battle armored teens AND a magical ghost that looked like the love child of Elvis and Jay Leno! 

 OMG WANT!

In any case, most cake decorators will be well versed in the art of cake kits. And how much of a pain they can be. The major manufacturer of cake kits is DecoPac ©.  

 

The Toys-R-Us for cake decorators.

They create a wide variety of decorations from cupcake pics, sprinkles, baking supplies, to cake sets. For weddings, birthdays, baby showers ect...

But at our store, we can only get kits that corporate approves of. Which boils down to the simple fact that "There are a lot of kits people want that we can't get! And the ones we can get are outdated and badly designed!"

Instead of the modern Mickey Mouse cake seen here:

Weeeeeeee!

We are stuck with this bizarre mess of a cake design:

 There's a joke about Disney and an evil corporate money machine somewhere in this cake...

Seriously though, where are we supposed to fit "Happy Birthday" on that thing? Not to mention the fact that random blobby rings of various colors make for poor design. I think the '80s threw up on your cake Timmy, sorry.

And check out the Minnie Mouse cake!

Yes, my lovelies. Buy! Buy until you've spent all of your husband's money!

But out of all the cake kits I have come across, the worst designed must be awarded to the Dora The Explorer Rosie Posie set. 

 Just like meaningless sex, no one makes eye contact...

I sometimes wonder what the hell those three are up to in this set. Are they conspiring? Planning a bank heist? Either way, Diego looks like he's the look out.

Although it appears DecoPac is hopping onto the super hero bandwagon as well. With noticeable lack of enthusiasm...

How...patriotic?

 This cake makes me cry...

As someone who just saw Thor today, I can honestly say this cake is a horribly poor representation of Thor's awesomeness. Even MegaMind got a design with decent air brush work!

Ooohh...sparkly!

 And there is also the fact that our supplier of cake kits are always discontinuing the most popular kits without explanation or reason! And we also just got a new catalog with new kits and designs as well as some gorgeous designs for Mothers Day...two days AFTER the fact.

This is not Wal-Mart...

In the South, it has become something of a standard to compare everything to Wal-Mart. Not just bargain shopping and looking for the best deal, but it seems to actually have boiled down to blackmail now.

If a customer wants something, they will use the "But Wal-Mart..." line and almost always seems to get the discount they want.

Where rapists go when they're sent to Hell. 

Which is kind of stupid when you do the math-at our store, if you use the coupons and sale items and all the deals we have in a week then you're saving a significant amount more than if you got all of them from Wal-Mart. Wal-mart doesn't do sales anymore - or at least the one in our town never seems to - and they just have cheap stuff all the time. Now don't get me wrong, I shop at Wal-Mart. Everyone does in some capacity. There are practical reasons to purchase items at their stores. 

But I do not buy meat or fish from them unless it's from the frozen section. I know what they do to their meat products to keep them 'Fresh'. Yeah, no thanks.

Oh God! It's moving! Kill it, kill it, kill it!!!

I like our store's meat department, they're very much like a small butcher shop. They can custom cut your meat however you like and for a town like this - that's really cool. And they always have awesome Buy one/Get one free deals. I've gotten two giant rump roasts on BOGO for $7.00. Yay meat!

 And the bakery. While admittedly they have made some decent strides in getting better breads, their cakes still taste like saw dust and lard.  You can tell you paid $14 for that sheet cake.

 Mmmm...Fiber.

People always ask us why our 1/4 sheet cakes are $18.99 as opposed to Wally World's $14.99. Simple reason? They're better quality. They're honestly good cakes. And the fillings inside help keep them moist. And if price is really an issue for a customer as it commonly is, you can always get a smaller cake. After all, most people buy more cake then they really need.

"These cakes are so expensive!"

"Well, that size feeds up to 24, how many would you need to feed?"

"It's just the family, about six or seven people."

"Well, the next size down - the 1/8 sheet - feeds ten and it only $9.99."

"That dinky thing? We want more cake then that!"

And in the end, I have no say in the pricing of our items. People with big college degrees and fancy cars decide those. And when we do have items going out we mark them down. And people will shop with us JUST for the markdowns. So I know they like our stuff, but hell be damned if they'd ever pay full price.

One incident stands out in my mind.

We carry Pumpkin Spice bars. It's a layer of pumpkin spiced cake, a layer of cream cheese icing, another cake layer, and more icing. and it's all given a light coating of pumpkin spice. It may be one of my favorite things. They're delicious! And they're also $6. So we don't sell a lot of them at that price. But when we mark them down! Oh nelly! You better hold onto your knickers lads.

 This isn't our spice cake but I needed a drool worthy image...

A lady approached me one day asking if we had any markdowns and I pointed her to the rack we had put them on. As I help her go through the selection, she mentions to me that she bought a pumpkin spice bar for $0.99 once (when we have a lot going out in a day we will mark it dirt cheap) and she returned it because the cake was dry. I bite my tongue and apologize, help her make her selections, and see her off to the registers.

Now allow me to explain what bothered me about this. Markdowns by their nature are not fresh. Marked down cakes are not going to be as moist as a fresh one because it's OLD. To waste the money on gas to return an item worth only $0.99 is so insane to me. She probably spent that amount of gas - or more! - just driving back down to the store...

 

This...Not That...

When people think of working in a bakery, they almost always think of this:

Happy, bubbly, charming...and OMG PINK!

"It must be such an awesome place to work! Playing with cake all day long, designing, and decorating cakes! You must love it!"

I like decorating cakes, a lot! And I'm good at it. Or at least I think so.

But life loves an optimist and when working a job with something as awesome as cake...well you know there's got to be one doosey of a down side.

And we call it Retail.

So working in a grocery store bakery is actually more like this:

They are the two opposing extremes. Happy and optimistic to psychotic and unstable. You get the bad days and the good days. The trick to it is keep your head held high when the shit is swarming. Sometimes I fight through it and come out on top and a better person for it...other days find me crying in the walk in freezer. (What? - I have problems with anxiety...)

I work in a grocery store bakery in a somewhat small town in semi-rurual alabama. People love cake but are also dirt cheap. So it's a constant struggle to maintain my sanity through the waves of stupid that finds its way to my cake window.

And that's what this Blog is - my therapy. A chance for me to rant and rave and curse the world for the day's struggles.